“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” – Anais Nin
Honestly. It’s a little hard to put into words how things have been for me lately. Trying, maybe? Maybe even more along the lines of difficult? A daily uphill battle someone might say? .. I’m not exactly sure. But you know, I sit back and I think about what I’m doing in my life, the current, present moments. More descriptively, like the here.. and the now. And I realize that from the outside looking in a lot of people would assume “Life is great for you!” or “You’re always having the best time!” and yes, what everyone I meet or social media friends of mine may see could conclude that. But. To be honest. I’m barely making it through the weeks these days.
I struggle with anxiety. Overwhelming, thought spinning, and at times debilitating anxiety. Lately it’s seemed as if it’s stretching me to a point that I have a hard time coming back from. There are days when I open my eyes, swing my legs to the edge of the bed and tears stream down my face. Nothing has even come my way for the day, and I wake up already at such a high level of anxiety that it instantly feels too much to handle. A random walk through a grocery store can turn into me feeling overwhelmed by the line of people behind me in the self check out line. With thoughts running through my head so quickly, and so many that my heart races, my palms sweat, and I’m on the verge of a full blown panic attack. At any given time. For me, anxiety is generalized. There never seems to be a rhyme or a reason. It can all start with a simple thought, such as a pain in my chest and the next thing you know I’ve convinced myself I have a PE and I’m going to die. To me having a great day, laying down in bed and then becoming so overwhelmed with the feeling of impending doom, as if something detrimental is just seconds away from happening.. I feel anxiety in my connections with people. I feel anxiety in my insomnia. I feel anxiety in my job. And I feel anxiety with existing.
I think a lot of people that have never experienced anxiety have a hard time of understanding it. Especially because everyone at some point in their life has a little anxiety or excitement or that fight or flight response. Those common nervous feelings or “jitters” are on a normal level, and part of life. Easy to push aside and not think twice about. Anxiety on an extremely high level can make even the most confident person like myself feel overcome with doubt, depression, and constant negative thoughts.
I’ve always thought to myself, “Don’t let the anxiety win” “Try to overpower it” and as I still try to live by that, it’s hard to keep that attitude when all “it” wants to do is convince you that you’re weak. That it dictates your life. That you can’t make it through the day without panicking. I wish I could say that trying to ignore it is the solution, but unfortunately it’s not. Embracing it and making it seem normal, is also unfortunately not the solution for me. What is the solution? .. I’ve also unfortunately, not discovered. A few things that I have figured out though involve being more kind to myself, realizing I can’t do this alone, and finding the road that leads to being proactive. In finding those things that help me live more peacefully, more mindful and what will lead me to a happier me. I am not sure exactly WHAT I need to get to that road, but I’m determined to find it.
Until then I am reminding myself that I am not weak, I am not defined by my anxiety, and that I will get through it.